Well I’ve done enough talking. This week I want to hear from you. Copy this meme and paste it into a post on your blog. Fill in your own answers of course. Link back to this post, http://mommiedaze.com/2008/01/23/wednesdays-for-wives-happy-marriage-meme/ Also leave a comment here with a link to your blog letting me know you’re participating. If you have blogging friends out there you’d like to share this with, go ahead and tag them with this meme. If you aren’t a blogger I want to hear from you too. Just leave a comment with your answer to question number 10, What’s the one piece of advice you’d give other wives about creating a happy marriage? Let’s share our stories to inspire and encourage one another.
- How did you meet your husband? We meant in college when we were cast in a play together.
- What first attracted you to him? He was hot! He was a soccer goalie, and in great shape. It was early fall, he still had his summer tan and he had this sort of unruly blond hair. I couldn’t help but notice him.
- How did you know he was the one? It’s hard to pin-point a specific thing that brought me to that conclusion. I just knew after a couple months of dating that I never wanted to be with out him.
- How long have you been married? 9 years, will be 10 this March.
- What’s something you learned about him after you were married that surprised you? He wasn’t the type to frequent the library in college if you know what I mean. He was mostly interested in extra-curricular activities like sports and music. I was surprised to discover he had an inner nerd. He reads books on topics that are far more intellectual than I would ever read, and he’s very interested in history and politics.
- What do you argue about the most? Money.
- What quality in him do you admire most? His optimism. I am probably his total opposite when I comes to that. I worry and can get negative very easily.
- What is the hardest part about being married? Being a servant, and learning to make meeting his needs a greater priority than meeting mine.
- What’s the best part about being married? The constant companionship. He is my best friend.
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What’s the one piece of advice you’d give to other wives about creating a happy marriage? You have to be able to laugh together. Even when life gets hard, finding the humor in it always makes the situation seem, somehow, more manageable.
Last week I wrote about the importance of keeping romance alive in a marriage. In the context of God’s intended purpose — monogamous marriage — intimacy is supposed to be enjoyable and exciting. Not just those first years when the relationship is young and new, but for a lifetime. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner now’s a good time to have some fun igniting the passion in your marriage. Here’s a few ways to do so right from that computer you’re sitting at.
1. Email a photo of your honeymoon spot or favorite get-a-way destination with a note, “Remember when?” or “Wish I were there with you right now.”
2. Send an MP3 file of “your” song.
3. Make a slide show of photos from your life together.There are several online sites you can do this on for free. Slide and Sky Album are just a couple. You can set your show to music and even add text. Someone I know did this for her husband and it elicited tears. They call it Cry Album now.
4. Take them on a scavenger hunt around town by sending clues via text message telling them where to go. Have them pick up the trappings of a romantic meal along the way; drinks, take out food, dessert. Lead them finally to where you are waiting for a secret rendezvous.
5. Of course, the age-old love note always works. If you’re like me, you may find that you’re more eloquent when you express your true feelings with written, rather than spoken, words. Email is perhaps less personal than writing in long hand, but it’s instant. It will brighten their day to open Outlook and find your words of love. You can also send notes that are less sentimental and more, how should I say it, suggestive?
6. Send an E-greeting card. Hallmark has both free e-cards and ones that cost just a dollar or two. They have them for all occasions.
7. Shop online for accessories for your romantic evening. You can browse discreetly for lingerie, lotions and potions and other items. For an online store free of offensive material visit Covenant Spice.
8. There’s lots of advice online about improving your married love life. There are many good sites that aren’t offensive. Check out Family Life Today, and Christianity Today.
Some words of caution. If you are sending emails to your spouse to or from a work computer, keep it G-rated. Many companies scan employee email, and it’s legal for them to do so. Remember that most computers and servers keep a record of your email and internet history. Make sure the company doesn’t have a policy that disallows personal use of work computers. If you’re not supposed to use the company computer for personal use, just don’t. Not even to read this blog. It’s not worth getting fired over.
Realize anything you send or post online could be intercepted by someone other than it’s intended recipient. Love notes, terms of endearment, even a little sexy talk won’t get you into too much trouble. Don’t send or post risque photos. They may fall into the wrong hands, and before you know it you’ll be the most downloaded photo of the week on hotsoccermoms.com. (No, I don’t know if that’s a real site. I wouldn’t be surprise if it is. I’m afraid to look. While it may be a complement, you don’t want to end up on that page.)
Get creative. Spice things up a bit tonight. Giggle together. Make his toes curl, and yours will too!
Not long after a couple we know were first married, they both came down with a terrible case of stomach flu the same night. It was that miserable, debilitating kind that causes your body to urgently purge itself in every way it can. Living in a small apartment, there was only one bathroom. As they lay in pain on the tile floor together, hovering near the the toilet waiting for the next episode, the husband looked over at his new wife and said, “I think the honeymoon is over.”
Recent scientific studies found that the mind altering ability of new love is similar that of narcotics. It causes the brain to release the chemicals dopamine, oxytocin and phenylethylamine. These combine to create feelings of euphoria and well-being that fuel the emotional attachment between two people. Basically when we are falling in love we are not thinking with a clear mind. That enables us to overlook certain faults and take risks we might not otherwise. In fact this may be essential to developing long-term romantic relationships. With out an altered state of mind we might not be willing to open ourselves up to all the ramifications that come with being that vulnerable and intimate with another person.
Initially the more time we are around the one we love the more chemicals our brains produce. Eventually though, as with real drugs, our body develops a tolerance to these chemicals. When this happens the infatuation stage of love ends. Some scientists believe it’s about a year before the chemical affects begin to subside. When that happens the relationship must change from one driven by passion to one driven by commitment if it is to remain healthy.
Anyone who’s been married more than a couple years knows this is true. The infatuation does end and those warm, fuzzy “honeymoon” feelings aren’t always easy to find underneath the nitty-gritty of daily life. The mystery that once surrounded each of you and made getting to know one another so exciting is gone now that you’ve seen each other at your best and worst. The little quirks that were so cute when you were dating now drive you absolutely crazy. The differences between your personalties that you thought brought balance to your lives now create conflict.
Life can be like the flu. It can purge your marriage of happiness, but it doesn’t have to. Here are five fundamental practices that I think are key to a fulfilling marriage.
1. It is a choice, not a feeling, to love your spouse unconditionally. You love them because you selflessly decide to. Instead of focusing on what they can do to make you happy, focus on what you can do for them. This kind of commitment is far more rewarding than those early days of your relationship that were fraught with frenzy and emotion.
2. You have to be intentional about romance.Work at rekindling those feelings you had on your honeymoon. It can be something as small as a love note secretly tucked in a jacket pocket or a grand gesture like a romantic weekend get-a-way. My husband sent me an email bouquet of flowers. It was just a picture of my favorite blossom downloaded from the Internet with a typed token of endearment, but it let me know he was thinking of me. It was really sweet.
3. Remember what initially attracted you to your spouse. When those habits and personality traits start to grate on you, take pause to recall what drew you to them in the beginning. Those qualities are still there, but with out the filter of rose-colored glasses the faults are more glaring.
4. Find a common interest to talk about. When you were first dating you probably spent hours talking. Now that you’ve shared your life stories and have the same story, the conversation may not be as spellbinding. Talk about politics, music, art, sports – anything that might spark a discussion. You might find out you don’t know everything about them after all. If your opinions are different it’s O.K. A little debate can be healthy and fun. Just agree to disagree lest it turn into an argument.
5. Make time to spend time together everyday. In the beginning of your relationship you couldn’t get enough time together. I remember the time between our engagement and our wedding. We lived a few hours apart and could only see each other on the weekends. I recall crying on those Sunday nights that we parted for yet another long week. After marriage, other activities and demands can take priority over time with your spouse. If you don’t take some time to reconnect everyday you will find that you grow apart. It doesn’t have to be hours, and you don’t even have to be alone. Sit down to dinner together. Even if the kids are around it’s still time without other distractions. Turn off the TV and computer 15 minutes before bedtime and talk about your day. Once in awhile get away together for dinner and a movie or an overnight.
If your marriage feels less like a week kissing on a beach at a tropical resort and more like a long night hugging the toilet in the bathroom, crack open a bottle of Pepto Bismol and try applying these fundamental practices to your relationship.
