I am totally uninspired today when it comes to finding a subject for Wednesdays for Wives. I feel like the Cleveland Indians in a summer slump. (Sports reference courtesy of watching ESPN with my husband the other night.) I would have come up blank last week too if someone hadn’t published that on-line 1930′s Marriage Test.
Hmmm…
Sports — husband — I have a story brewing in my head now, but I can’t think of a point to tie it into neatly. Oh, well. I’ll just start telling it, and maybe I can bring it around home in the end.
I’m not really into sports. I don’t have any athletic ability. I was the kid who threw herself in front of the ball during elementary school dodgeball games, so that I could spend the rest of gym class watching from the sidelines. Occasionally I’ll watch a college basketball or football game on TV if I like one of the teams that’s playing. ESPN with all it’s stats and scores is Greek to me. What I really don’t get is ESPN Classic. Aren’t sports exciting mainly because you don’t know how the game is going to end? It’s the whole Any-Given-Sunday thing, right?
“What are you watching?”
“Dallas at Pittsburgh.” (If it’s impossible for Dallas and Pittsburgh to ever actually meet, sorry. I’m taking some poetic license here, and don’t know what I’m talking about.)
“In June? I thought football season was over, and why is it snowing?”
“It’s the ’82 playoff game. Dallas wins with a 40 yard field goal with less than a second on the clock during a huge snow storm.”
“Why are you watching it if you already know who’s going to win?”
“It’s historic.”
O.K. Well, my idea of historic is a documentary about the sinking of the Titanic on the HISTORY channel. But, whatever.
I know a lot of wives don’t like it when their husbands watch sports on TV. Mine actually doesn’t that often, but when he does turn on a game or ESPN, I’ve stopped complaining. Oh, it’s still boring and I don’t understand most of what’s happening. And it’s not because I’m just being a kind wife. It’s because I know that by half time or the fourth inning or the 6th hole, he’ll get bored and change the channel or go do something else. Unless the game is close, it doesn’t hold his interest that long. So, instead of complaining and arguing, I just wait it out.
Now for the point…
I think I should apply the wait-and-see approach more often. I know I complain and start arguments that could have been avoided had I only waited for more information or events to play themselves out. Sometimes it’s better to keep my opinions to myself, and trust my husband to work it out. I don’t know all the plays he’s going to call, and I don’t always agree with them, but somehow he usually comes out on top.
I watched ESPN with with my husband long enough the other night for me to pick up that baseball reference, the inspiration for this entire post. It wasn’t long before he’d heard enough scores. Then we watched one of our favorite shows together on the DVR.
I guess you’d call that a win-win.
My mind keeps wondering and I can’t seem to concentrate long enough to come up with a topic for this week’s post, because I’d rather be outside enjoying the warm sunshine than sitting at a computer typing. So I went on-line looking for some inspiration, and happened across The Generous Wife.
Lori, the creator of The Generous Wife, realized one day that if she wanted to improve her relationship with her husband she needed to give more. It worked for her marriage, and she wants to share what she learned with other wives. You can sign up to receive a daily Generous Tip by email. Each day you’ll receive a new creative idea, from a Christian perspective, to help you be a more Generous Wife. There is also a message board on the site where you can talk to other women about everything from romance to child rearing. The Generous Wife has lots of articles about marriage, links to other marriage sites and a book store where you can find more resources as well.
The Generous Wife has a companion site The Generous Husband with a daily email tip and resources for men.
I found this article, Husbands, Rate your Wives about the Marital Rating Scale – Wife’s Chart on Monitor on Psychology from the American Psychological Association. It’s a test developed in the 1930′s by Psychologist George W. Crane that was supposed to help couples determine the health of their marriage. Humorous and insightful, it’s a look at how expectations for wives have changed over the last 8 decades. It will give you a chuckle, and probably make you glad times have changed.
Happy 31st birthday Dear! Ahead of the times, I married a younger man before Ashton and Demi made it fashionable. Two years and nine days isn’t that much younger though, so don’t rub it in too much.
I am so happy to celebrate another birthday with you. I hope we are both still around to celebrate your 91st birthday together. By then we’ll probably be toasting Ensure shakes, reclining on our twin Craftmatic adjustable beds in the old folks’ home, instead of feting with brownies. I still can not understand after all these years why you don’t like cake, but if you want brownies instead, brownies you shall have. You always do go against the mainstream. One of the things I love about you. You are not a joiner. You follow your own convictions down a path that is uniquely yours.
I’ve been privileged to be along for the ride down that path. Sometimes I balk and want to turn back or take a different route. But you lead steadfastly on, taking us through this great adventure of life, and getting us safely and securely to our destination each time.
Three years ago another traveler joined the journey when our son was born. You are such a wonderful father. So gentle, so loving, so patient. You have patience that seem to go on forever when it comes to caring for our son. Long after I’ve reached the end of my rope, you are still calm and collected. And how I love to watch the two of you play together. The laughter, the joy, the smiles are priceless. Those moments are stored in my heart forever.
Come to think of it, the same qualities that make you a good father make you a good husband too. I know that sometimes I require a great deal of patience, because I have very little myself. Often I fire before I aim, but somehow you manage to doge the bullets and help me hit the target in the end.
Actually, you balance me out very well. You are also far more optimistic than I. When my glass is empty with a leak in the bottom, your glass is half full with a pitcher of refreshing ice water sitting next to it.
And you make me laugh. The jokes, the teasing, the humor that we share. It makes life so fun. No matter how difficult times have been, I can not remember a day that we didn’t share a laugh over something together. Laughter is a healing balm for even the most difficult trials of this world.
Finally, I am so thankful to have a husband who knows Jesus and seeks to follow God’s will.
It is a cliche, said many times before, but you are my best friend. There is no one else I’d rather share all the times of my life with, good and bad, than you.
I don’t say these things to you nearly often enough. You are appreciated for all things you do for me and our family.
Happy Birthday.
I love you!
Babe
Have you told your husband how much he means to you recently? Let him know.
“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” Proverbs 14:30
“Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.” Psalm 17:1
There’s one in every neighborhood. The perfectly manicured lawn. Neat diagonal stripes run the length of the grass. There are no dandelions in site. No evidence of moles. Lush and green, every time you drive by you long to run across it barefoot. And you wish enviously that your own weedy, brown lawn looked like that.
But if you are like me you’re not willing to pay the price to get a front yard like that. The only way to achieve such lovely grass is either through hours of back-breaking work or a hefty investment in a lawn service. I’d rather just keep my shriveled-up crab grass, and spend my summers lounging in the pool and my money on more important things, like filling up my gas tank.
Other people’s lives can be like that neighbors’ impeccable greenery. At a glance it looks wonderful. Take a longer look and you might find that you wouldn’t want to pay the price to have their life.
How many times have I envied another woman only to find out her life wasn’t as great at it appeared to be on the surface? There was the friend whose husband had a great job that provided a big house and expensive car, but it turned out he wasn’t such a great guy. There was the single friend whose life seemed free and exciting, but she felt lonely every night when she went home to an empty house.
Envy is something women are particularly prone to. Especially envying the lifestyle of another woman who we perceive as having it better than us. If we’re not careful our jealousies can lead to discontent and even bitterness. Always wanting what someone else has instead of being content with the life God gave you will make you miserable.
The lesson I’ve learned over the years is that often I waste time being envious of someone who in the end isn’t any better off than I am. We all have struggles, no matter how good things may appear to be.
The next time you feel that Green Monster rear its ugly head inside of you, stop and think. Dig a little deeper. Find out what that other woman went through to get to where she is, what she might be dealing with now. Then consider your own life. Do you really want to trade places?
What if you moved into that house with the nice green grass and had to spend all your time mowing, spreading Weed and Feed and watering? I’d probably be longing for my clumpy, weedy front yard that stops growing in July when it gets hot and dry. I know eventually that lush grass would be just as dead at the grass in my old yard.
Remember, the grass is always greener until you have to mow it!
A friend, older and much wiser, told me this week about the unique way she and her husband settled the issue of gift-giving for special occasions through out the year.
Every year at Christmas this couple buys each other one big (i.e. expensive) gift. Then that covers all the other days through out the year like their anniversary and birthdays. Instead of a bunch of small so-so gifts, they each get one nice gift that they really wanted. They aren’t with out a present to unwrap on each occasion, however. Bringing a whole new meaning to the word re-gifting, tongue-in-cheek, they re-wrap and re-exchange the same two gifts all year long.
I thought that was a great budget-wise idea, and a humorous way to take the pressure off of getting your spouse just the right thing every time.
Have you and your husband come up with a unique way of handling something in your marriage, be it gift-giving or conflict resolution? Please share it with us. Leave a comment or post about it on your blog and link back here. If you write a post, leave a comment letting us know where to find it.
Have something to say yourself on the topic of marriage? Why not be a guest writer for Wednesdays for Wives? Send an email to mommiedaze@gmail.com about the topic you’d like to blog about, and a little bit about yourself and your marriage. I’d love to have some guy guest writers as well as gals.
Guys sure get a bad rap these days.
Turn on the TV and you see husbands and fathers portrayed as bumbling fools. If not idiots, they’re cheating womanizers or perverts. The news is all about the latest lover-turned-killer who murdered his girlfriend and stuffed her in an ice chest. Women’s magazines are filled with article after article about how men are trying to keep us down by keeping us under-paid and on the bottom rung of the corporate ladder. There’s all kinds of talk about how they can’t multi-task, can’t be emotionally open, can’t clean up after themselves. The current pop-movement wants them to be less masculine, telling them to wear pink shirts and get a manicure. And there must be a zillion books on How To Change your Man.
Are men all really that bad? We’ve been pre-occupied with them since our early teens. Until we got married, a lot of our focus was on figuring out how to get one for ourselves. Now that you’ve got one, you, hopefully, spend some time trying to keep him. If men were really so intolerable would we expend so much energy on them? Even Gloria Steinem, the ultimate feminist, finally gave in and got one.
Granted there are a few men out there who could use a little grooming. And yes, a couple of them are psychotic ax murders who will kill you in your sleep. Maybe you has to pass over a few that weren’t a good fit before you found a keeper. But I think, generally, men deserve a break.
Let’s reconsider the qualities that society has deemed undesirable.
They’re not bumbling fools. They just still know how to have fun. Why do the kids go running to the door every night when Dad comes home? Because Dad will wrestle with them on the floor and tickle them until they’re delirious. Is there anyone besides your husband who makes you laugh more? Life would be pretty dull with out their sense of fun.
Sex-crazed no, but most men do put a higher priority on bedroom activities then most women. If it weren’t for his constant attempts to direct your attention to other things besides housework, career and children where would sex fall on the to-do list? Somewhere on the bottom, between cleaning the ceiling fan and dusting the wood work probably.
I’m not going to say inequity in the work-place doesn’t exist. I’ve experienced it first hand. But you can’t blame every man in the world for a deeply ingrained, societal problem that’s much bigger than the individual.
It’s true, they don’t multi-task well. But they can focus on a project and complete it to perfection because they aren’t trying to do too many things at once. How many times have your burned dinner because you were blogging, watching Oprah, folding laundry and talking on the phone too?
Thank goodness men aren’t as open with they’re emotions as we are! When crisis strikes somebody has to keep it together. You can’t both dissolve into tears and hibernate on the couch with a package or Oreos. (Why did they come out with a re-sealable Oreo bag? As if they last long enough to be re-sealed.) If you ask gently and make it O.K. to be vulnerable, they open up eventually.
Guys use a lot more common sense and reasoning then we do. They don’t clean up because the mess isn’t a mess to them. If there’s still one clean plate in the cupboard, why wash the rest? If the clothes are dirty, why does it matter where you put them? That common sense goes well with being less emotional. They’re better at making unbiased, fact-based decisions.
Do you really want your husband to be less manly? Don’t you want someone brave and strong to carry out the dead mice? Would you want to share the bathroom with a guy who spent more time on his hair than you did? Be honest, aren’t you at least a little attracted to the swagger and bravado?
If you think that the stereotypes and bashing don’t bother the men you know, you’re wrong. It’s demoralizing, insulting and the reason why a lot of guys today are confused and disillusioned about the role they should play in the family. How can you do your job when all you get are mixed messages and criticism about how inadequate you are who you should be?
Find your husband, your brother, you son, and tell then how much you appreciate all the unique qualities they bring to the table. Let them know their unique skills and perspective bring balance. Most of all let then know you love them unconditionally for who they are, men!
