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Commitment

Wednesdays for Wives: Please Pass the Pepto-Bismol

January 9, 2008 · 1 comment

Not long after a couple we know were first married, they both came down with a terrible case of stomach flu the same night. It was that miserable, debilitating kind that causes your body to urgently purge itself in every way it can. Living in a small apartment, there was only one bathroom. As they lay in pain on the tile floor together, hovering near the the toilet waiting for the next episode, the husband looked over at his new wife and said, “I think the honeymoon is over.”

Recent scientific studies found that the mind altering ability of new love is similar that of narcotics. It causes the brain to release the chemicals dopamine, oxytocin and phenylethylamine. These combine to create feelings of euphoria and well-being that fuel the emotional attachment between two people. Basically when we are falling in love we are not thinking with a clear mind. That enables us to overlook certain faults and take risks we might not otherwise. In fact this may be essential to developing long-term romantic relationships. With out an altered state of mind we might not be willing to open ourselves up to all the ramifications that come with being that vulnerable and intimate with another person.

Initially the more time we are around the one we love the more chemicals our brains produce. Eventually though, as with real drugs, our body develops a tolerance to these chemicals. When this happens the infatuation stage of love ends. Some scientists believe it’s about a year before the chemical affects begin to subside. When that happens the relationship must change from one driven by passion to one driven by commitment if it is to remain healthy.  

Anyone who’s been married more than a couple years knows this is true. The infatuation does end and those warm, fuzzy “honeymoon” feelings aren’t always easy to find underneath the nitty-gritty of daily life. The mystery that once surrounded each of you and made getting to know one another so exciting is gone now that you’ve seen each other at your best and worst. The little quirks that were so cute when you were dating now drive you absolutely crazy. The differences between your personalties that you thought brought balance to your lives now create conflict.

Life can be like the flu. It can purge your marriage of happiness, but it doesn’t have to. Here are five fundamental practices that I think are key to a fulfilling marriage.

1. It is a choice, not a feeling, to love your spouse unconditionally. You love them because you selflessly decide to. Instead of focusing on what they can do to make you happy, focus on what you can do for them. This kind of commitment is far more rewarding than those early days of your relationship that were fraught with frenzy and emotion.

2. You have to be intentional about romance.Work at rekindling those feelings you had on your honeymoon. It can be something as small as a love note secretly tucked in a jacket pocket or a grand gesture like a romantic weekend get-a-way. My husband sent me an email bouquet of flowers. It was just a picture of my favorite blossom downloaded from the Internet with a typed token of endearment, but it let me know he was thinking of me. It was really sweet.

3. Remember what initially attracted you to your spouse. When those habits and personality traits start to grate on you, take pause to recall what drew you to them in the beginning. Those qualities are still there, but with out the filter of rose-colored glasses the faults are more glaring.

4. Find a common interest to talk about. When you were first dating you probably spent hours talking. Now that you’ve shared your life stories and have the same story, the conversation may not be as spellbinding. Talk about politics, music, art, sports – anything that might spark a discussion. You might find out you don’t know everything about them after all. If your opinions are different it’s O.K. A little debate can be healthy and fun. Just agree to disagree lest it turn into an argument.

5. Make time to spend time together everyday. In the beginning of your relationship you couldn’t get enough time together. I remember the time between our engagement and our wedding. We lived a few hours apart and could only see each other on the weekends. I recall crying on those Sunday nights that we parted for yet another long week. After marriage, other activities and demands can take priority over time with your spouse. If you don’t take some time to reconnect everyday you will find that you grow apart. It doesn’t have to be hours, and you don’t even have to be alone. Sit down to dinner together. Even if the kids are around it’s still time without other distractions. Turn off the TV and computer 15 minutes before bedtime and talk about your day. Once in awhile get away together for dinner and a movie or an overnight.

If your marriage feels less like a week kissing on a beach at a tropical resort and more like a long night hugging the toilet in the bathroom, crack open a bottle of Pepto Bismol and try applying these fundamental practices to your relationship.

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Wednesdays for Wives: If You Leave Me, I’m Going With You

December 26, 2007 · 1 comment

How do you make your marriage last? You simply decide it will. Promise together with your husband that, no matter what, divorce is not an option. Take it off the table right now. Almost everyone in their wedding vows says. ”’til death do us part.” Now it’s time to get serious about it.

My husband and I both agreed while we were still engaged that regardless of what life threw at us, once we got married, we were married for life. I believe that promise to each other makes all the difference in our relationship. The Bible tells us that this is the right promise to make. Paul writes in I Corinthians Verses 10-11, ”To the married I give this command (not I but the Lord): A wife must not separate for her husband…And a husband must not divorce his wife.”

Feeling secure in a marriage is so important. Knowing that person will always be there, won’t give up on you, is just as invested as you are, allows trust to thrive. Trust means you can be open and vulnerable with each other and paves the way for true intimacy.

I’m not just talking about intimacy in the bedroom. Intimacy is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as, ” a close, familiar, affectionate personal relationship, detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a subject, the quality of being comfortable, warm or familiar.”

While it may not sound romantic, it’s this comfortable, warm, familiarity that creates the safe haven that a marriage should be. Passionate nights, candlelit dinners, tropical get-a-ways are the fun part of spending life together, but that comfortable familiarity is what gets you through the general dailiness of life. It’s why we ask our husbands to buy tampons on their way home from work and why they actually do it even if they are red-faced the whole time. It’s why after the frenzied heat of new love has worn off, we’ve packed on the pounds, acquired wrinkles where we once had smooth skin, have less hair where it should be and more where it shouldn’t, that we still desire one another. It’s why we can discuss feelings and thoughts with each other that we’d never with anyone else. It’s why we all want to be that old couple, married for 60 years, who still hold hands in the nursing home lounge.

Every marriage goes through tough times. Even ones that have great intimacy. When the disagreements start, finances get strained, outside stresses threaten your safe haven, knowing that you are in it together always will get you through to the other side. The promise to honor your commitment gives you a reason to work through the problems. No matter how angry you get, never use the threat of divorce as a bargaining chip. Even in your mind, don’t allow yourself to consider leaving or finding someone else. It will so quickly begin to erode the trust in your relationship and only fuel any negative feelings you have toward your husband.   

I know my husband will be by my side as long God allows both of us to live on this earth, and I’ve promised him the same. But just to reinforce it I tell him jokingly, “If you leave me, I’m going with you!” I can’t imagine my life with out him.

If you’ve made this commitment already to your husband you know the profound effects it has on a marriage. If this is a new concept, discuss making this commitment with with your husband. Try it and see how it will improve your relationship. Perhaps you’ve experienced the pain of ending one marriage already. This one can be different. 

(I want to caution that if you are in a marriage that is abusive and dangerous for yourself or your children, please seek shelter and assistance from the authorities, family and friends. I believe even in such extreme cases God can provide healing, forgiveness and reconciliation, but in the immediate situation you need to take action to ensure your safety and well-being.)

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