From the category archives:

humor

Reasons Why I Don’t Go Camping

July 27, 2010 · 16 comments

I mentioned in passing the other day that I don’t camp.

I stay in hotels.

Preferably ones that have in-room coffee makers, complimentary hairdryers and toiletries that are worth stealing.

I thought I’d elaborate on why you won’t find me shacking up in a tent, or tooling around in an RV any time soon.

1. I believe access to a full-sized, flush-able toilet that is plumbed to a sewage source that is not self-contained is a basic necessity of life.

2. I love my children. BUT, I do not want to be that close to them when we are sleeping. A co-sleeping parent I am not.

3. Bears.

4. The Great Outdoors is made even greater by one’s ability to enjoy it for a little while then go back into the Great Indoors where it’s air conditioned and mosquito-free.

5. If I have to do that much walking, I’d rather be hiking through the mall.

6. Bears.

7. A canoe is not a reliable form of transportation. Especially if I’m paddling it.

8. How can you know for sure the people in the next tent over aren’t serial killers on the lam?

9. I think Kumbaya sounds just as nice sung around a flat screen TV as it does around a campfire.

10. Bears.

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The Wade-A-Nator Walks

July 11, 2010 · 5 comments

I promised video of Wade walking after he took his first steps a couple weeks ago. I’ve got something even better for you, The Wade-A-Nator.

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Are You a Closet Phineas and Ferb Fan?

March 20, 2010 · 11 comments

I see all you parents out there referencing Phineas and Ferb in your Tweets, and on your blogs. Come on, admit it. You like the show just as much as your kids. Having trouble coming forward? Ask yourself these questions.

Signs You’re a(n Adult) Phineas and Ferb Fan

1. Have you ever considered changing your Political Views on your Facebook Profile to Antidisestablishmentarianism?

2. Have ever found yourself watching Phineas and Ferb during nap time because you “forgot” to change the channel?

3. Do the words to “Squirrels in my Pants” play over and over in your head?

4. Do you actually know which one is Phineas and which one is Ferb?

5. Have you ever quoted Phineas and Ferb to someone?

6. Have you looked to see if the soundtrack to Phineas and Ferb is available on Amazon or for download to your iPod?

7. Do you root for Jeremy and Candice to end up together just like Rachel and Ross?

8. Do you chuckle every time you here, “Mom, Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence?”

9. Did you DVR the Phineas and Ferb Christmas special, because, you know, you didn’t what the kids to miss it? Ahem.

10. Have you ever looked at your family pet, and wondered if it leads a secret agent double life?

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Holy Cow this is Udderly Ridiculous

February 24, 2010 · 6 comments

Do you know what’s making me crazy?

Cartoons that depict all cows, male and female, as having udders.

First is was just Back to the Barnyard on Nick. Then this morning an episode of Martha Speaks on PBS was about a cattle drive. And all the cattle on the drive had horns and udders.

Now, let’s this get this straight. I’m not worried about gender confusion. I do not think it’s part of a vast liberal conspiracy to blur the lines between male and female. It is not an attempt to promote an agenda of androgyny.

On Barnyard it’s because the writers think udders are funny. So they thought, “Why not put udders on everyone?”

What?

I think signs that say “Kick Me” are funny, but I don’t go around putting them on the backs of everyone I know.

Does Mattel put breasts on Ken, because Barbie has them and they look nice?

(That’s the second time in three days I’ve used the B word on my blog. The Google search engine creeps are going to come out of the woodwork.)

As for Martha Speaks, I’m chalking that one up to ignorance. I’m guessing the illustrators aren’t down-on-the-farm type folks. Because in addition to not having udders, most cattle raised for beef have their horns removed. Or are bred so they don’t have horns. For safety reasons as I am sure you can imagine.

There. Now you’ve had your agricultural lesson for today. Free of charge.

They say good bloggers give to their readers. Well, you just never know what you’ll get from me.

I’ve gone around in circles trying to explain to David that not all cows have udders. Only girl cows have udders. But he can’t get it through his head, and because of TV he thinks all cows produce milk.

Here’s some more knowledge you weren’t expecting. Technically speaking only female bovine who have given birth are called cows.

I’m in a very giving mood today.

Why does all of this annoy me so much?

Because it’s spreading ignorance among our children.

Most kids today don’t ever go anywhere near a real farm. They’ve never seen a real cow. They have no idea that not all cows have udders. And when they see it on TV, they just assume it is so.

Good grief. We will have have a milk crisis someday when today’s children become tomorrow’s dairy farmers, and can’t figure out why they can’t get milk from a bull.

I hope you like soy milk.

Photo from freefoto.com used with permission under CCL.

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Doughnuts and Why I Could Never Observe Lent

February 17, 2010 · 18 comments

Yesterday was Paczki Day.

Perhaps one of the best days of the year.

Don’t know what a Paczki is? I didn’t either until I moved to this part of West Michigan.

Paczki are fried doughnuts stuffed with some sort of filling. Usually fruit filling. It’s kind of a jelly doughnut, but they are a bit different.

Around here everybody eats them on Fat Tuesday.

We don’t really celebrate Fat Tuesday. While we do celebrate Easter, we don’t observe Lent. But I”m all over a holiday that involves eating doughnuts. So I’m more than happy to join in.

I actually forgot to buy my Paczki the first time I went out today. So I made a special trip tonight just to get them.

Now, this will sound weird, but the best place to buy doughnuts around here is a gas station.

Don’t judge.

They’re really good. They actually make them right there. If you’re lucky they might even still be warm.

They’re better than Krispie Creme.

Trust me. I know. I am a doughnut connoisseur. I’ve been eating them as long as I can remember.

No seriously. When I was a toddler my mom and I went out to the every week to the mall.

Now a mom myself, I realize this was probably her attempt at preserving sanity. You know there wasn’t any Internet or MOPS groups back then.

Anyway, there was a doughnut counter in mall, and we always stopped to indulge.

Then there were the times my dad took me to the coffee shop for doughnuts. It was across the street from the fire station. We would eat doughnuts, and watch the fire trucks come and go.

Are you starting to see a theme here?

So yeah, I have some 32, 33 odd years of doughnut eating experience under my belt. Hmmm, maybe that’s why my belt is a little tight…

I googled Paczki to find out the history of this fattening little delicacy since I don’t know that much about it.

Apparently true Paczki originally came from Poland. They ate them all year round, but especially right before Lent so they could use up the sugar, lard and fruit the couldn’t eat during the 40 days. (40 days without sugar, lard and fruit? Um, no. No Lent for me.)

Enterprising Polish Americans made them popular over here in the good old US of A when they realized we would fork over cash for them.

A classic American tale involving money and marketing.

That’s one of the things I love about our country. Our ability to take the best things from a culture, commercialize them and make some cold, hard cash. St. Patrick’s Day for instance. Or our recent interest in Cinco De Mayo. Just a couple examples.

We’re just a big old melting pot of beer, doughnuts and tamales.

Now I do find it odd that Paczki are so popular in my little corner of Michigan. There’s a much larger Dutch influence here than Polish. But the Dutch do claim to have brought the doughnut to America first. So maybe there’s some kind of Dutch/Pol collaboration here.

Whatever it is, it’s sweet, it’s sticky, it’s greasy and Oh. My. Word. is it good.

I just wrote over 500 words about doughnuts.

I think I have a problem.

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Are You Ready for Some Football?

February 5, 2010 · 4 comments

I’ll be watching the Superbowl Sunday night, and as a former resident of the Hoosier State, cheering on the Colts.

Also because Payton Manning is their Quarterback, and he likes Oreos. I like Oreos too. So Payton and I have A LOT in common.

I really do enjoy a good football game now and then.

Especially if the Bears are winning. Or if Notre Dame is winning. Or if USC is losing.

I don’t really understand all the rules. I get the basic premise. Move the ball down the field, try not to get knocked down by some big, scary dude. Run across the goal line. NEVER let go of the ball. NO MATTER WHAT! (I heard that in a movie.)

I’ve even mastered how the whole Down thing works. I’m kinda proud of that.

But that’s about where my knowledge stops.

Oh, and I know the team dumps Gatorade on their coach at the end of the game when they win.

That’s your reward for success?

Men are so strange.

But I also know that a lot of you ladies could care less about the Superbowl. And some of you are excited about Sunday night only because it means an end to a very long season. No longer will you be a football widow on Monday, Thursday and Sunday. At least until next year.

So for those of you who just aren’t into throwing around the Ol’ Pig Skin, here’s some suggestions for ways you can enjoy the biggest football night of the year too.

1. Everybody knows the commercials and the half time show are really the best part. Just watch those and bring along a good book or your laptop for entertainment while the ball is in play.

2. Occupy yourself by redesigning both teams uniforms in your mind to make them more fashionable.

3. EAT! Good food goes hand in hand with the Superbowl. Dump the diet for one day, and eat junk food to your heart’s content.

4. Invite your girlfriends and their hubbies over to watch the game. The girls can dish in the kitchen while the guys high five in front of the TV.

5. Make a fair trade with your hubby. You watch the Superbowl with him, he takes  you to the newest Nicholas Sparks movie.

6. Console yourself with this thought- There are approximately 174 days, give or take a few, until the 2010-11 football season kicks off.

Have a great Superbowl Sunday!

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The iPad and Feminine Hygiene 2.0

January 28, 2010 · 6 comments

Just minutes after Apple’s big announcement today about the iPad women across the interwebs were all aTwitter. Not about the product’s potential, but about it’s somewhat unfortunate name. I follow some pretty funny ladies, and their tweets made me giggle.

Yeah, I know you’re thinking it’s Jr. High humor, right? But come on. Don’t the guys at Apple have wives and girlfriends? Aren’t there any women on the naming committee?

The iPod, iPhone, iMac — genius. But this one? You can’t just stick “i” in front of any old word boys.

I get cramps just thinking about it.

Will somebody please pass the chocolate and iBuprofen?

What would you name the iPad?

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