humor

Posted by Colleen     February 24, 2010

Holy Cow this is Udderly Ridiculous

Do you know what’s making me crazy?

Cartoons that depict all cows, male and female, as having udders.

First is was just Back to the Barnyard on Nick. Then this morning an episode of Martha Speaks on PBS was about a cattle drive. And all the cattle on the drive had horns and udders.

Now, let’s this get this straight. I’m not worried about gender confusion. I do not think it’s part of a vast liberal conspiracy to blur the lines between male and female. It is not an attempt to promote an agenda of androgyny.

On Barnyard it’s because the writers think udders are funny. So they thought, “Why not put udders on everyone?”

What?

I think signs that say “Kick Me” are funny, but I don’t go around putting them on the backs of everyone I know.

Does Mattel put breasts on Ken, because Barbie has them and they look nice?

(That’s the second time in three days I’ve used the B word on my blog. The Google search engine creeps are going to come out of the woodwork.)

As for Martha Speaks, I’m chalking that one up to ignorance. I’m guessing the illustrators aren’t down-on-the-farm type folks. Because in addition to not having udders, most cattle raised for beef have their horns removed. Or are bred so they don’t have horns. For safety reasons as I am sure you can imagine.

There. Now you’ve had your agricultural lesson for today. Free of charge.

They say good bloggers give to their readers. Well, you just never know what you’ll get from me.

I’ve gone around in circles trying to explain to David that not all cows have udders. Only girl cows have udders. But he can’t get it through his head, and because of TV he thinks all cows produce milk.

Here’s some more knowledge you weren’t expecting. Technically speaking only female bovine who have given birth are called cows.

I’m in a very giving mood today.

Why does all of this annoy me so much?

Because it’s spreading ignorance among our children.

Most kids today don’t ever go anywhere near a real farm. They’ve never seen a real cow. They have no idea that not all cows have udders. And when they see it on TV, they just assume it is so.

Good grief. We will have have a milk crisis someday when today’s children become tomorrow’s dairy farmers, and can’t figure out why they can’t get milk from a bull.

I hope you like soy milk.

Photo from freefoto.com used with permission under CCL.

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Posted by Colleen     February 17, 2010

Doughnuts and Why I Could Never Observe Lent

Yesterday was Paczki Day.

Perhaps one of the best days of the year.

Don’t know what a Paczki is? I didn’t either until I moved to this part of West Michigan.

Paczki are fried doughnuts stuffed with some sort of filling. Usually fruit filling. It’s kind of a jelly doughnut, but they are a bit different.

Around here everybody eats them on Fat Tuesday.

We don’t really celebrate Fat Tuesday. While we do celebrate Easter, we don’t observe Lent. But I”m all over a holiday that involves eating doughnuts. So I’m more than happy to join in.

I actually forgot to buy my Paczki the first time I went out today. So I made a special trip tonight just to get them.

Now, this will sound weird, but the best place to buy doughnuts around here is a gas station.

Don’t judge.

They’re really good. They actually make them right there. If you’re lucky they might even still be warm.

They’re better than Krispie Creme.

Trust me. I know. I am a doughnut connoisseur. I’ve been eating them as long as I can remember.

No seriously. When I was a toddler my mom and I went out to the every week to the mall.

Now a mom myself, I realize this was probably her attempt at preserving sanity. You know there wasn’t any Internet or MOPS groups back then.

Anyway, there was a doughnut counter in mall, and we always stopped to indulge.

Then there were the times my dad took me to the coffee shop for doughnuts. It was across the street from the fire station. We would eat doughnuts, and watch the fire trucks come and go.

Are you starting to see a theme here?

So yeah, I have some 32, 33 odd years of doughnut eating experience under my belt. Hmmm, maybe that’s why my belt is a little tight…

I googled Paczki to find out the history of this fattening little delicacy since I don’t know that much about it.

Apparently true Paczki originally came from Poland. They ate them all year round, but especially right before Lent so they could use up the sugar, lard and fruit the couldn’t eat during the 40 days. (40 days without sugar, lard and fruit? Um, no. No Lent for me.)

Enterprising Polish Americans made them popular over here in the good old US of A when they realized we would fork over cash for them.

A classic American tale involving money and marketing.

That’s one of the things I love about our country. Our ability to take the best things from a culture, commercialize them and make some cold, hard cash. St. Patrick’s Day for instance. Or our recent interest in Cinco De Mayo. Just a couple examples.

We’re just a big old melting pot of beer, doughnuts and tamales.

Now I do find it odd that Paczki are so popular in my little corner of Michigan. There’s a much larger Dutch influence here than Polish. But the Dutch do claim to have brought the doughnut to America first. So maybe there’s some kind of Dutch/Pol collaboration here.

Whatever it is, it’s sweet, it’s sticky, it’s greasy and Oh. My. Word. is it good.

I just wrote over 500 words about doughnuts.

I think I have a problem.

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Posted by Colleen     February 5, 2010

Are You Ready for Some Football?

I’ll be watching the Superbowl Sunday night, and as a former resident of the Hoosier State, cheering on the Colts.

Also because Payton Manning is their Quarterback, and he likes Oreos. I like Oreos too. So Payton and I have A LOT in common.

I really do enjoy a good football game now and then.

Especially if the Bears are winning. Or if Notre Dame is winning. Or if USC is losing.

I don’t really understand all the rules. I get the basic premise. Move the ball down the field, try not to get knocked down by some big, scary dude. Run across the goal line. NEVER let go of the ball. NO MATTER WHAT! (I heard that in a movie.)

I’ve even mastered how the whole Down thing works. I’m kinda proud of that.

But that’s about where my knowledge stops.

Oh, and I know the team dumps Gatorade on their coach at the end of the game when they win.

That’s your reward for success?

Men are so strange.

But I also know that a lot of you ladies could care less about the Superbowl. And some of you are excited about Sunday night only because it means an end to a very long season. No longer will you be a football widow on Monday, Thursday and Sunday. At least until next year.

So for those of you who just aren’t into throwing around the Ol’ Pig Skin, here’s some suggestions for ways you can enjoy the biggest football night of the year too.

1. Everybody knows the commercials and the half time show are really the best part. Just watch those and bring along a good book or your laptop for entertainment while the ball is in play.

2. Occupy yourself by redesigning both teams uniforms in your mind to make them more fashionable.

3. EAT! Good food goes hand in hand with the Superbowl. Dump the diet for one day, and eat junk food to your heart’s content.

4. Invite your girlfriends and their hubbies over to watch the game. The girls can dish in the kitchen while the guys high five in front of the TV.

5. Make a fair trade with your hubby. You watch the Superbowl with him, he takes  you to the newest Nicholas Sparks movie.

6. Console yourself with this thought- There are approximately 174 days, give or take a few, until the 2010-11 football season kicks off.

Have a great Superbowl Sunday!

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Posted by Colleen     January 28, 2010

The iPad and Feminine Hygiene 2.0

Just minutes after Apple’s big announcement today about the iPad women across the interwebs were all aTwitter. Not about the product’s potential, but about it’s somewhat unfortunate name. I follow some pretty funny ladies, and their tweets made me giggle.

Yeah, I know you’re thinking it’s Jr. High humor, right? But come on. Don’t the guys at Apple have wives and girlfriends? Aren’t there any women on the naming committee?

The iPod, iPhone, iMac — genius. But this one? You can’t just stick “i” in front of any old word boys.

I get cramps just thinking about it.

Will somebody please pass the chocolate and iBuprofen?

What would you name the iPad?

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Posted by Colleen     January 2, 2010

New Year’s Intentions are the New Resolutions

Do you shy away from making New Year’s Resolutions because you don’t want to set yourself up for failure? Are you afraid of commitment? Plate already too full of obligations?

Then you might want to consider the post-millennial kinder, gentler cousin of the New Year’s Resolution.

The New Year’s Intention.

Dictionary.com defines the word resolve as a verb that means “to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine.” Add a few extra letters on to the end of that word and you get resolution defined as “the act of determining upon an action or course of action.”

The just sounds so final doesn’t it?

Well, when you make New Year’s Intentions you don’t need to make a list of things you will do in 2010. Just a list of things you want to do.

Intend is defined as, “to have in mind as something to be done or brought about; plan.” And intention is defined as, “an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.”

See, It’s those words have in mind and mentally that let you off the hook.

All you really need to do is think of some things you might-maybe-kinda-sorta-wanna do, but will probably never really act on.

Isn’t that what most of us have been doing all along anyway when it come to New Year’s resolutions?

I mean, honestly, how many of you keep your resolutions?

Oh, I know there’s a few of you over-achieving individuals out there who do. You probably did all the unnecessary extra credit assignments in high school too.

There are names for people like you.

Teacher’s Pet Valedictorian.

But for the rest of us slackers this New Year’s Intentions thing could really work. I can think of an endless list of intentions.

1. Lose weight. I already think about that all the time. Especially when I’m snacking on Oreos.

2. Exercise regularly. I think about that all the time too. Usually after I eat the Oreos.

3.  Become a millionaire. Who doesn’t intend to be rich? Granted things like buying diapers, paying taxes and putting your kids through college usually gets in the way.

4. Always drive the speed limit. “But officer I intended to slow down…”

5. Get up at 5 a.m. and cook my family a spectacular, healthy and well-balanced breakfast every morning. As long as I’m not tired, or cranky. Or I just don’t want to.

See, with New Year’s Intentions you have all of the benefits of setting goals, but none of the guilt when you don’t actually achieve them.

It’s enough that you simply meant to accomplish something.

And if you don’t get around to it?

Meh.

I spent all day thinking about organizing my closets.

Whew!

There’s one item checked off my list for the year.

What do you intend to do in 2010?

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Posted by Colleen     December 29, 2009

Mall Rat

I went to the mall today.

My mind is reeling.

I have so many questions.

Like, why do fashion designers make fall and winter clothes that are sleeveless? I know a few of you live where it’s endless summer, but the majority of us are well out of reach of tank top weather this time of year.

Oh, wait.

Maybe that’s why no one is shopping in your stupid stores.

It’s not the economy.

We just don’t want to get hypothermia at church.

I also wonder what brilliant person named the Dress Barn? First of all, they have more pants, tops and purses than they have dresses.

Second of all,  most of us already feel like cows when we’re tying on clothes in those ridiculous dressing rooms with the fun house mirrors and bad lighting. It’s only adding insult to injury to be in a store named after a building that houses bovine. And when your friends gush, “Oooh, I love your outfit! Where did you get it?” Do you really want to answer, “The Dress Barn.”

These Jeanie-in-a-Bottle jeans leave me with so very many questions. But mainly just why? (Sorry about the photo quality. Camera phone.)

Who would wear these, and on what person in what world would these be flattering?

And then there is this book with a picture of Santa on the cover, sans pants. Frankly I don’t want to know the answers to the questions that this brings to mind.

How about this vending machine selling Pro Active Solution? It’s just weird and science fictionish.

But I am most perplexed about this. Why is The CHILDREN’S Place, which caters to CHILDREN, designed in such a way that it is impossible for a woman with a CHILD in a stroller to navigate her way through the store, and purchase merchandise that is sized specifically for said CHILD riding in said stroller? After using my supermom powers to get through the racks and throngs of people to that one shirt I wanted, I got stuck in line.

It was my turn. But there I stood unable to actually get up to the register. I was blocked from the front by other people, and the very counter I wanted to get to. On either side were loaded racks of clothes closing in on me. Behind me was an angry mob about to trample me if I didn’t get out of their way.

I said, “Excuse me,” nicely. Not a single person moved. Finally, I just pushed my way through, running over the foot of one particularly stubborn woman who was apparently rooted to the floor.  She glared at me. I smiled sweetly, and said again, “Excuse me.”

I didn’t say sorry, because, honestly, I really wasn’t sorry.

Now there are a few things they’ve got right at the mall.

The Family Restroom for instance. If it weren’t for that recent invention I’d have to go without any liquids 12 hours prior to shopping. I really don’t know how I’d ever be able to use the regular restroom with a four year old and a baby in tow.

And then there’s this smart marketing ploy I saw on a sign outside the Motherhood Maternity store. “Have cravings? Spend $75 and get a $50 restaurant gift certificate.” I mean combining free food, shopping and pregnant women? Genius.

Just. Pure. Genius.

But the best idea they have at the mall by far is the children’s recreation area. Germ ridden as it may be, there’s nothing like an indoor jungle gym and carousel on a cold day when the kiddos are climbing the walls and driving you up the wall with them.

And hey, if you accidentally buy a new purse on the way to the jungle gym, well it’s really not a bad day.

Just don’t tell anyone you got it at The Dress Barn.

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Posted by Colleen     November 23, 2009

Happy Holidays

Family make you crazy this time of year? Check out my Dos and Don’ts to Survive Thanksgiving and Other Holiday Family Gatherings over at Mom Spark today.

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