Motherhood is like being told to pick up 500 golf balls and box them. Every time you finish stacking the boxes someone comes along, knocks them over and tells you to pick up all the golf balls again, over and over for 18 years.
The sink you thought was empty mysteriously refills when you turn your back. No matter how many times a day you put the cushions on the couch they’re always on the floor. Toys crawl out of their box and throw themselves all over the house after you just picked them up.
You begin to wonder if you even cleaned the house. Maybe you just imagined it?
There are two identical bags of chips in the cupboard. Why are they both open and half full? Why are the dirty jeans on the floor just inches from the dirty clothes basket? Why can’t anyone figure out coats hang on hangers in the closet, not on the backs of dinning chairs?
Motherhood causes you to question everything you thought you knew about the world.
They go to bed two hours late. They should sleep two hours later. Instead they wake you up at 4:30 in the morning to tell you they dreamed about a bear and a lollipop. Now they want a lollipop. They get very angry when you refuse them sweets before dawn. No one goes back to sleep.
The sleep deprivation that comes with motherhood rivals torture tactics that are considered war crimes.
You can’t sit down if you’re a mom. If you sit they want you to get up and get them a drink from the kitchen. If you go in the kitchen they want you to come see something in their bedroom. If you go in their bedroom you’ll see the mess and start cleaning it up. You’ll think you’re done cleaning it, but then there are a pair pants on the floor an inch away from the dirty clothes basket?! And those toys, weren’t they just on the shelf? Why is there an open bag of chips under the bed now?
Then one morning you discover someone left an empty glass on the coffee table overnight.
It’s just enough to push you over the edge.
“ALL THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE! I pick up your pants, hang up your coats and EAT STALE CHIPS BECAUSE YOU CAN’T FINISH ONE BAG BEFORE YOU OPEN ANOTHER! But! I. WILL. NOT. TAKE YOUR DIRTY CUPS INTO THE KITCHEN FOR YOU! From now on NO ONE is allowed to drink out of anything in the living room. EVER AGAIN!”
They look at you wide-eyed, wondering if you’re crazy.
When your blood pressure returns to normal and your heat rate slows you wonder if you’re crazy too.
Yes, you are crazy.
Because THEY made you that way.
The mess that appears after you just cleaned. Playing dumb like they can’t find the trash can to put the candy wrapper in. The constant confusion over why they ate hamburger last week, but this week they don’t like it. It all causes you to question your own lucidity. You think you must be doing something wrong. And now all the second guessing finally made you nuttier than a Christmas gift basket full of cashews.
They broke you.
And that’s why we have Mommy Brain.
That’s why we send our kids to school in their pajamas when it isn’t pajama day.
That’s why we put the milk in the cupboard and the stale chips in the freezer.
That’s why we have them practice the spelling words from three weeks ago.
That’s why we forget to send in the cookies for the Christmas party.
That’s why we melt down when someone leaves their shoes in the bathroom instead of by the door.
We moms are completely cracked.
THEY did this to us.
The Children have been gas-lighting us for years.